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Who’s The Most Do-Able Divorced, Dumped or Dumpee Celebrity of 2011?

December 21, 2011

It’s that time of the year again. 2011 is ending which means there’s a whole new range of possibilities for 2012 — possibilities which include finally falling in love with the celebrity I deserve.

Yeah, I currently have a boyfriend now. Whatever. He isn’t famous. When he’s famous, then I’ll stop drooling over celebrities.

Well, that’s just a lie and we all know it. But maybe we can compromise and 2012 won’t be the year I date a celebrity but the year I have a very awkward threesome with a celebrity. Still, probably not gonna happen but a girl can dream. I might have failed in 2010, but this year has a great new crop of people to stalk:

Most Do-able Divorced, Dumped and Dumpee Celebrities of 2011

 Kyle Howard and Lauren Conrad

I was one of the 15-or-so people who watched My Boys on TBS. I think its appeal was one-part the Chicago setting and one-part Bobby. I also had a huge crush on Brendan — really though, who didn’t? — but I looooved Bobby’s goofy little trust fund self. Unfortunately, it sort of weirds me out that IRL he dated LC for so long and I can’t help but wonder if he’s as big a douche as all of her other exes. Maybe now that the odd couple have broken up, I can find out first hand…

Alexander Skarsgard and Kate Bosworth

I really don’t think this one needs any commentary or explanation. Especially after viewing this video:

Joe Manganiello and Audra Marie

Another True Blood hottie (no surprise). I had the blessed opportunity to interview him at Fashion Week but, thinking he was engaged, did not turn on my famous Sadie charm. A few days later, news of him splitting with his fiancée hit the web. I like to imagine that if I had known and put on my flirt we would have proceeded to fall in love and make adorable werewolf babies together. Please don’t ruin this fantasy for me.

Andrew Garfield and Shannon Woodward

I can describe my love of Andrew in few words: hot, British, Spider-Man, Antoine Dodson. It’s sad that after three years together, he and Shannon broke up. But what’s even sadder is that he then started dating Emma Stone, so it’s doubtful I’ll be able to get my hands on Andrew’s sexy Bed Intruder singing self this year.

James Franco and Ahna O’Reilly

The idea of James Franco pisses me off. He’s a terrible writer and might be a gay rapist — but he is hot. Also, every girl I know would be insanely jealous if we got together. People would never chastise me for hooking up with James (except my bf, of course) but everyone I know would flip their shit if I had the opportunity and turned it down. I’d really only do it for the peace of mind of others. I’m very selfless like that.

James Marsden and Lisa Linde

I don’t know what it is about James Marsden. He might be a cheating bastard and out of all the badass X-Men characters he plays Cyclops. Frankly, I don’t care. James is just too freaking adorable. Nothing else matters when I look at that little Oakie face. Also, his IMDB bio is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Apparently, James is a “big fan” of Simple Plan, enjoys Bach and Barry Manilow and regularly performs with his siblings in a band called The Hot Rods at his family gas station back in Oklahoma.

Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger

I know, I know. Sexiest Man Alive is a pretty obvious pick, but what can I say? He’s got a certain Jewish-look about him I can’t resist (even though he’s a goy). Plus, he’s the kind of asshole I like. From what I gather, Bradley is a total dick but in the very “Look at this guy! Can you believe I’m friends with this douche?” kind of way where he just provides me hilarious stories and sometimes we get drunk and make out (I’m down if you’re down, BCoop!).

Jack White and Karen Elson

Jack White was almost a priest and for a while he owned his own upholstery business. He temporarily changed his name to Three Quid. He pretended his wife was his sister and took her last name. Meg White was then the maid of honor at Jack’s wedding to Karen. When the couple got divorced earlier this year they threw a giant party on their 6th anniversary. Jack also does a pretty hilarious Elvis impression. All in all, what a strange fucking dude. How could I not have a crush on him?

Jason Sudeikis and January Jones

I really don’t understand January Jones’ dating history. How do you land Josh Groban, Adrian Brody and Jason Sudeikis but also Brandon Davis, Jeremy Piven and Jim Carrey? No matter how she does it (or why in God’s name the boys do it), Jason was definitely January’s best pick. Unfortunately, their little 6-month fling might have  resulted in a child, though January won’t actually say who her baby daddy is. Either way, as grossed out I was when I found out these two were dating, I was equally happy when I found out they broke up. Plus, he lives in NYC so that totally ups my chances for awesome, hilarious celebrity sexy times.

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