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My (Straight) Gay Boyfriends

January 23, 2012

I love gay dudes. And not in a “I can’t buy a purse without my gay best friend’s sassy approval” way. It’s more of a “The less questionable a guy’s sexuality is, the less I want to date him” way.

I’m not saying I want to date gay guys. In fact, I’d never even date a bi guy. Not because I think there’s anything wrong with being bi. Only because my already paranoid jealousy would cause a nervous breakdown if I had to be suspicious of every single person my boyfriend hung out with.

Luckily for me, I’ve been able to find lots of guys that have satisfied all my criteria over the years. Hollywood has also supplied me with many a hot (straight) actor who went gay for pay, allowing me to love them as their fictional gay character simultaneously with their non-fictional fooiiiine straight self who could one day fall in love with me in real life.

Let’s start in the beginning shall we?

Kerr Smith, Dawson’s Creek

When I was growing up I had such a crush on Kerr’s Creek character Jack only to learn…wait for it…that he was gay! This was my first memory of seeing a gay character on TV and also one of my earliest memories of a celebrity crush (of course).

And so it began…

Eric McCormack, Will & Grace

He was handsome. He was funny. We had similar taste in music and film.

Well, when I said “similar taste in music and film” I really just meant that we both loved Footloose.

And while watching Will & Grace I at least knew that Eric was straight, so it wasn’t a total gay crush. Just a halfsie.

River Phoenix, My Own Private Idaho

I must admit, I didn’t like My Own Private Idaho when I saw it. Then again, I was thirteen and probably would rather have got my mom to style my hair into 30 tiny braids while watching Angel than watch a Gus van Sant film. Either way, I had been in head over heels for River since I first saw Stand By Me as a wee babe so River + gay street hustler = only love in my eyes.

Justin LongThe Break-Up, Zack and Miri Make a Porno

My favorite thing about Justin’s two big turns as gay characters is the different voices he uses. I personally prefer his weird, deep throaty voice in Zack and Miri.

Bradley Cooper, Wet Hot American Summer

Screw The Hangover. Screw Limitless. Screw those billions of star-studded ensemble cast rom-coms. Bradley will always be Will Tipin or, more importantly, the guy who married Michael Ian Black while Amy Poehler played panflute.

Michael C. Hall, Six Feet Under

I’ve already made my love of Dexter pretty clear. Actually, that post wasn’t too positive towards the show, but I do have an undying love of Michael C. Hall. Especially in Gamer.

I really wish I was joking for that last part.

Adam Scott, Monster-in-Law

Now this is someone I have made very clear that I’m obsessed with. Plus, while Monster-in-Law is a J. Lo film I remember  it being not that bad.

Then again, while in college I’ve probably seen Maid in Manhattan three times. Plus, I watched The Back-Up Plan and Selena, but you can’t really hate on Selena so give me a break.

Darren Criss, Glee

‘Nuff said.

Kieran Culkin, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Never ask me to chose my favorite Culkin. Just don’t do it. Ever.

But if you do, my answer will waiver depending on what the last movie with a Culkin in it was that I watched.

Had anyone asked the first month or so after I saw Scott Pilgrim my answer hands down would have been Kieran. That dude just killed it in this movie.

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