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TV Douches: The Bad Boyfriend Anti-Virus

February 20, 2012

There’s always been one thing that has been the biggest obstacle in my dating life: my absolute, all-encompassing love of douches. How am I supposed to find love when I find myself inexplicably drawn to total fucking tools?

As always, the answer lies in TV.

Instead of filling my daily douche quota with some big-headed ass burger, I can just fulfill my desire safe and alone in my room with the wonderful douche-filled world of television. If you, too, suffer from a douche obsession check out these assholes:

Ruxin, The League

2011 really was the year of Ruxin. Not only is he still technically League champion, but him high on pain meds was probably one of the best things I’ve seen on TV all year. Sadly, the douchiness of Rodney Ruxin is so layered and constant that it’s practically impossible to summarize. Basically, he’s the worst (aka the best). Plus, his dad is played by Jeff Goodblum. It literally could not get better than that.

Logan, Dick and Mercer, Veronica Mars

There aren’t enough blog posts in the world for me to exhaust my passion for the boys of V. Mars. Logan is my hobo-fighting hottie. Dick is my dumb blonde. Mercer is a serial rapist, but he’s so damn cute and funny in real life that I just pretend that Veronica got it wrong that time. Basically, if you’re into douches, Veronica Mars is the show to watch. Pretty much everyone in Neptune is an asshole.

Jean-Ralphio, Parks and Recreation

Like Veronica Mars, I have a huge crush on about 98% of the dudes on this show. Jean-Ralphio probably comes in 2nd (after Andy, but before Ben — who coincidentally stole my heart more as a douchey teacher/statutory rapist in V.Mars and as a douchey caterer in Party Down). But really, when it comes to Jean-Ralphio I think this video says it all.

Ryan Howard, The Office

The Temp. Fire Guy. The Hottest in the Office. Ryan Howard is a man of many titles. I usually just refer to him as That Douche. With the exception of Jean-Ralphio, Ryan is the biggest creep on this list. But where Jean Ralphio is a goofy asshole who means well, Ryan is just an asshole. At one point during this season, he made a toast “to the troops…all the troops…both sides.” Just love me, Ryan. I’ll be your Kelly Kapoor.

Schmidt, New Girl

Of course, here’s another one with Veronica Mars ties. I just can’t escape that show. And I don’t really want to. Basically, back in the days when UPN still existed, Max Greenfield played Deputy Leo, Neptune’s cop with a heart of gold. Now, he’s upstaging Zooey Deschanel on New Girl as the douchey roommate with the heart of gold. Even when playing a total creep like Schmidt, Max Greenfield’s adorableness just can’t be contained.

Honorable Mention: Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother

Oddly, Ted Mosby, probably the biggest douche currently on television, is my least favorite character on How I Met Your Mother. But in all fairness, it’s hard to compete when you’re up against Jason Segel, Robin Sparkles, a former member of the Sunnydale Scooby gang and Neil Patrick Harris. Plus, douches who call themselves Teddy Westside and want to discuss James Joyce novels at a bar aren’t nearly as cool as douches with Hills-inspired dating videos.

I’ll always love you, Deputy Leo. Never change.

4 Comments leave one →
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  1. Thank You, Matty McKibben « TV Boyfriend

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